If The Cubs Win the World Series
Be honest: if this goes down, and the Cubs win the World Series (this year or any other), you鈥檒l stop by the party. At least for a bit.
It doesn鈥檛 matter if you hate the Cubs, hate baseball, hate crowds or even hate the night sky鈥� curiosity will ultimately get the best of you, and you鈥檒l be drawn forth into the roaring masses, captivated by spectacle that will range from multi-generational sobbing fits to boozy frat boys chanting 鈥淯.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!鈥�
Here鈥檚 what you can expect to see:
At the outset, it鈥檒l be mostly cops, honks, parking tickets and beer鈥攕o, on par with any weekend night in Wrigleyville. How many honks, you ask? More than a million, we think. Over the course of the initial 48-hour celebration, we expect the average Cubs fan to joyously beep his or her horn about 50 times. Sure, many fans will just beep a dozen or so times during that first hour following the final game, but remember to account for that guy who鈥檚 been waiting his whole life to beep a horn with reckless abandon and no consequences. Oh, he鈥檒l get his that night. Pencil him in for 15,000 beeps.
You鈥檒l also see a few parking tickets. And by 鈥渁 few鈥� we mean 187,200. That said, we imagine many of those orange and white eyesores will somehow find their way from windshield wipers to pavement, before any car鈥檚 owner every lays eyes on them!
Here鈥檚 what you won鈥檛 see:
The game-winning ball. Unless you鈥檙e the guy or gal who ends up nabbing the historic artifact, don鈥檛 count on seeing this out and about during the celebration. It鈥檒l be worth, quite literally, more than a lifetime of wages for the average American. Also, speaking of someone hypothetically nabbing the ball, one of the very few ways that could happen would be if the Cubs won on a walk-off home run. And if they do, if it goes down like that鈥� double every number on this list.
Here鈥檚 what you can only hope to see:
A hologram of Harry Caray singing the 7th inning stretch. Forget Bill Murray, forget Eddie Vedder. If the boys in blue get to the Series, there鈥檚 only one way for the Cubs operations folks to knock one out of the park: resurrect the legendary broadcaster, using the same budding hologram technology that recently brought back Tupac and Michael Jackson.
Bottom line, no matter what happens, it鈥檒l be historic. It鈥檒l be the standard-bearing celebration for sports fans everywhere, possibly for centuries to come. And, as far as we鈥檙e concerned, it couldn鈥檛 be hosted by a better group of people in a better city. Cheers Chicago!